Avoidance and Uncertainty

Avoidance and Uncertainty . . . those are the words of the moment.

I am blogging because of the first word. I have homework to do and I don't want to do it. The next assignment is to complete a 4 hour online training on ethical research practices. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? I've be trying to start it for about an hour and a half and all I can think of is 4 HOURS!!!! Ugh. The first part requires reading some long report from the "The National Commission for the Protection of Human Subjects of Biomedical and Behavioral Research." Huh?

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! Ugh, again!

This leads me to what I've been thinking about lately and that is uncertainty. I like to plan. My mom's license plate holder says "plan for the future," and I can't help but think that has a lot to do with why I am a little weird. I don't think the words "Haley" and "spontaneous" have ever been used in the same sentence. I can adapt if I have to, but I'd rather play out all the options in my head first. It's much less stressful that way.

So what is uncertain?

- Job. I have one. I should be there in August, too. James has one - being a student - but it doesn't pay much. Will he be able to find a job this summer? I am sure that he will, but I don't know for sure or where or when. It is uncertain.

- St. George. James has finally been offered a slot for a promotion in the Guard, but it would require driving to St. George for drill. It could be a temporary thing (several months) or it could be a fairly permanent thing (next 6-7 years). Driving far seems to be the only downside, but he is hesitant to take it and I'm not sure why. He'd like to get a commission and retire from the Guard as an officer, but there are several things he would have to accomplish once graduating this Spring. Also, he would maybe have to go to OCS - Officer Candidate School - or he could maybe direct commission and skip that. He could potentially find a medical slot or he could end up being in a mechanic slot. He's considered joining the Army Reserve or even the Air Force Reserve when his contract is up in a year. He thinks the opportunities there would be better, although it may increase his chance of deployment. Then again, he could get deployed just as well in the Guard. Then again, again, maybe he'll get out in a year. Can he get a high enough ASVAB score to even make any of this possible. I know things will work out, but it is all very uncertain.

- Baby. We are having one. Is there anything certain about that? Finals week for both of us ends with James' graduation on May 6th and 7th. That's a Thursday and Friday. The baby's due date is the following Monday, May 10th. James isn't getting out of walking at his graduation even if I can't be there. How will things fall into place if the baby comes early. How do you plan for a long-term substitute? Who will tend my baby while I'm working? James, Annie, my mom's neighbor? My school has an infant daycare, but I'm only on a waiting list. How do you plan to give up your kid every day before they are even born? Ugh. It is all very uncertain.

- House. We would like to buy a new one. It needs to have at least a third bedroom, a yard, and a garage, maybe even a bigger kitchen and a family room. It's a good time to buy and realty experts are predicting that it's not going to change anytime in the immediate future. It's a bad time to sell, however. How long will we have to wait and leave ours on the market before it sells? Where will we go between selling ours and buying another one? When will we start this process? We won't even list it until James is employed somewhere, but then what's the timeline? Assuming the buying and selling part goes okay, where in the world do we even want to live? It is all very uncertain.

- Others. There are a variety of other things that I could put on this list, but I'll spare the blog world of more uncertainties. Also, it's 10:40 p.m. and I think I'm going to give up on ethical research for this evening and go to bed. One thing is for certain . . . I am tired.

Letter from a student

A student brought me a note yesterday. She's a nice girl, but struggles with attendance as well as with math. Although she has failed the last two terms, she has decided to start out the new semester with a fresh, revitalized attitude and told me she wants to start doing well. The note is very sincere, but funny. I thought I'd share:

Thank you letter to Mrs. Binggeli:

Dear Mrs. Bing,

I just wanted to thank you for being so patient and caring. I appreciate how you never let people slack off and to be honest with you, I detest your class. I figure when I get my grades up & stuff though I'll really start to like it more though. You're a fantastic teacher and I'm sorry that the [less competent and responsible students] in your last semester's class would just stare off like lobotomy victims. I'll get to math time eventually.

-J

Its A . . . . . . .

GIRL!

James and I went for our second big ultrasound yesterday and found out that we are, for sure, having a girl. She wasn't 100% cooperative with everything they were looking for, but was a least in a good enough position that we could see she was a girl.

She wiggled around a little bit and had her hands up close by her chin. Oh, how cute!

We stopped by Penney's later on and I could finally buy something that didn't have a duck or a frog on it. I think this may be the first time in my life I have ever purchase anything pink. Look at the little lamb!

Reflective Ramblings

I've been a little weird lately. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance. Maybe I need drugs besides just vitamins. I don't know. James gave me some new music for Christmas, including a John Mayer album that I had, but had lost. I've had it in my car this week and have been listening to this particular song in a more contemplative way. I liked the song before, but now it puts me into this strange melancholy mood.

Life is changing, for the best of course, but just changing. I worry about our baby (who hopefully after tomorrow will no longer be gender-neutral to the outside world). I worry about my grandparents. I got all choked up one morning driving to school at the line "Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go." I don’t think it was a reaction to my parents necessarily, but my grandparents, or rather my grandmas. One is definitely looking after me and taking care of things on the other side, but I don't know how I'll ever cope with the other one leaving.

Life just keeps moving and I guess I hope that I’m doing the best that I can and doing what I should be doing. It just seems like there’s more to accomplish in one day than is humanly possible and yet, are all of the things on my “to do” list really things I should be doing. Are my priorities straight? I don’t know anymore.

Stop This Train lyrics

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

Once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Awkward.

There are some things that you just shouldn't have to discuss with your boss . . . like, "My husband and I are expecting a baby."

I decided to have that conversation with my boss today. I thought I'd be proactive and let him know, even though I still have a few months. However, it felt very strange. James and I couldn't even "tell" our parents or my grandparents. We sent them a strange ultrasound picture in a Christmas card back in October and hoped they'd draw the right conclusion. The rest of our family was alerted via e-mail because we didn't really want to have that conversation with them either.

Anyway, my boss now knows. He's a nice guy. It wasn't really that bad. I then sent an e-mail with some questions to the HR secretary at the district office and now I need to personally send an e-mail to the HR director and start filling out some forms.

When you think about the people closest to you who you share certain pieces of personal information with, your boss just doesn't seem like he should be on the list. Oh well. I guess in this case, he really does need to know. We talked about planning for a sub for 3-4 weeks, finalizing grades, and perhaps coming in for a day near the end and going through the year end check-out process.

The conversation ended with him saying, "Now this is your second, right? You have that older boy?" Um . . . . . . . . no. I guess bribing my brother with french fries to come lug boxes once or twice at my school gave the wrong impression. Oh well. It wouldn't be the first time someone thought Willie was mine. It's okay. I'll keep him. He even got his braces off today!