Thoughts on life.

I've had a lot of thoughts sifting through my brain for the last little while and I'm still not sure I clearly understand what my brain is thinking (forgive me ahead of time for the randomness of this post).

This summer, two of my grandparents have lost a brother. My Uncle Glen died in May and now my Uncle Bevan died just yesterday. I feel sad that they have died, but I don't feel that sad. It's a strange thing. I haven't had a close relative die in my family since my Great grandpa Eccles died in 1999. I remember being very upset about that. I wasn't there, but many others were as he faded in the hospital. I was very sad to think that I no longer had a great grandpa. He was such a great man and meant so much to me. After he died, I read his life's story that he had given each of us, from cover to cover. He wanted each of us to have a copy and there was a personalized note in the front of each book with our name on it. He, of course, was not a perfect man, but he was a good man who left quite a legacy.

When my Uncle Glen died, no one even bothered to tell me. I found out the next day when I just happened to hear my mom mention "Glen's funeral" while I was out mowing Grandma Hubers lawn.

When Bevan died, my dad forget to tell me as I stopped by. He helped me unload the lawnmower and then continued to spray the ants in the driveway. He called later and said, "Oh I forgot to tell you . . ."

Although both of these men led very different lives, the thing they have in common is that the led lives very different from mine. No family. No legacy. Glen had Sharon whom he never married and he had his slot tournament wins. Bevan had his friends and his beautiful paintings.

I guess I'm confused in my own brain. I feel bad because I didn't know either of these men very well. I feel bad that I may have said things overly critical of them when I didn't really know them. I have felt a little guilty over the last day or so. I haven't seen Bevan in over a year and I probably should have stopped by to visit him in the last few months. I have visited him twice over the years with a particular interest in recording family history. Why didn't I do more of that? I feel a little hypocritical in that maybe there was something more I should have done. I also feel bad for them, though, because what I strongly believe to be true, they did not. Family, the gospel, these are the things worth living for. Everything else comes and goes, but family and the church are steadfast. I believe that at some point in their lives, these men knew that, yet chose otherwise. Yes, that is probably extremely judgemental of me, but I feel sad for them. What is their legacy?

My other thoughts over the last day have been how appreciative I am of my own grandparents and the great relationships I have with all three of them. Grandma Petersen is the true matriarch of her family. With Bevan gone now, she is the only "old and wise" one left. She has been through so much in her lifetime yet always seems to overcome any obstacle put in her way. She is essentially confined to her jazzy and relies heavily on other people for many simple tasks She was nearer to death a year or so ago than ever before, but, she FOUGHT! She had 3 weddings and a baby to look forward to. She had birthdays, Christmas parties, Thanksgivings, baptisms, good books, and good movies, friends to "walk" around the block with. She is even driving her jazzy to church now. Although Grandma struggles, no illness is going to take away her quality of life! She still has her legacy!

I don't know if I'm just rambling. I guess I am. I am probably offending some by saying what I have said, but I think that by putting it out there, I may be able to gain a better grasp of my own thoughts and feelings. I just hope that both of these uncles have a better understanding and knowledge now of what their strong-willed siblings have here on Earth. My grandparents are the best! I will truly miss them when at some point they ever decide to leave.